just babbling - 'be strong'

i've come so far. 2 odd months.

only today i felt the 'be strong' that came from everywhere which i never gave a 2nd thought during that period.

till just now when i face the reality and ugly side of humans.

the sudden missing of mummy hit me very suddenly. i was casually looking up the book shelve and saw this magazine that she bought for me months ago and i just put it aside, neglecting it.

i thought of you so much today. even at church, just sitting there and saw the pastor who went batam together with us reminded me of what happened all over again.

and the times that i can properly cry them out is when i'm all alone and when no one is looking. i dare not even cry in front of your grave with so many people around although i very much want to.

i promise that after i get my license, i will visit you myself without anyone around. i don't have to hide my feelings by then.

this will be the longest time period that we've not hold hands or hugging each other. i missed these closeness with you.

i know where you are, by faith.

i try to be nice to people around me but sometimes, what i get in return are just unappreciative returns. i don't mind if you don't give back what you took but you don't have to go to another level of unappreciative.

sometimes i think i am too stupid. whenever people need me, i try to be there as much as i can. but when they don't need me, they treat you like dirt. this is what i meant by - another level of unappreciative.

it would be better if we don't speak much after being nice to you rather than talking to you and find out the unappreciative acts.

humans.

i am starting to lose faith in a lot of things and people. they claim to be close to you but in actual fact, their actions shows you no.

tomorrow is back to 830am lessons. so going to sleep at 11 later, which is like soon.

i know i will always be there for you.
i do my part.
but if you didn't,
that is your part.
at least when i look back in future,
i know i have done my part for you.
whereas when you do the same thing,
it may be a different perspective.
that's the difference.

i will not give up on someone i love to a pointless fight/ shoppings/ sleeping/ playing etc. because those things can be done later. but being there for the person when needed is not something you can ever procrastinate.

once its over, its over. you can't turn back time to ask her to go through the phase when she needs someone anymore.

when someone else is more willing to sacrifice for your love INSTEAD of you, that is when you choose to face the reality of 1) you rather stick to pointless stuffs than the person, and that says you don't even love him anymore, 2) he will realise and wake up one day on your selfishness.

actions speak louder than words. haven't you realised it?

from the outside, you may be more outstanding beside her, you may win many peoples' attention and attraction.

from the inside, you may just be the opposite.

looks are not forever, they are temporary. they won't last.

when you critise her outlooks, people may be attracted to her inner beauty instead.

when people are attracted to your outlooks, your inner self is still just as shallow.

30 years down the road, she will be better off than you.

i've learn to let go many things and not think too much anymore. because i also know, 'what you see as ugly, may just be what others see as beauty.'

i truly believe this.

things i never used to dare to let go despite how wrong they are, one day i will learn to slowly let them all go.

and its part of growing isn't it.

i'm done.

i feel slightly better now.