if i get sucky results, i deserve it

i cannot resist the temptation to surf the net every once in a while while studying the econs notes.

I MEAN, its so tempting.

the econs test is postponed to next monday which gives me more time to procrastinate which is a bit sucky because.. ahya i am not used to study for hours without moving around or doing things.

I MEAN, i lost touch with this kind of mugging spirit for a good whole 3 years and its a tad hard to go back to this way.

moreover, i have no motivation to go on studying for all these. i guess afterall, i am still not in the mind of wanting to further studies. STILL, i gotta force myself to do it.

can you tell me why has all these become a mundane cycle of... unhappiness? like its a daily thing and for a day or 2 of the week, it will be a tad happier and nicer.

and also as usual, the one or 2 days will cover the unhappiness for the past few days which will last all the way till when the new week comes. i am that easily satisfied despite the whole week of self inflicted sadness.

is this going to be a long term cycle? i don't like the way this is happening. it is starting to affect my everyday and its hard to self control anymore.

ever since, i no longer look forward for any weekend, any new week coming ahead.

because when weekends is approaching, it means short happiness.

and when new week comes ahead, it means yet another cycle of pain.

never mind, i know its not going to change much. because when things gets good, it will slowly go back to the original point. too many always, that i cannot find anymore ways to get it back on track.

it takes 2 hands to clap but most of the time, there's only one hand that bothers to make the effort. how is that possible to work out.

its either the hormones or emotions, nowadays, i am easily affected and uncontrollable.

i am willing to do many things to make things good but why everytime, whenever i am trying, i have to get held back by all the unwillingness and dampening of efforts.

i am tired from all these constant upsetness and shitty cycle but i am still trying, hoping in the end, the clap will happen.

need to collect back all the emotions and continue study.

接近换来期望,
期望带来失望的恶性循环,
短暂的总是浪漫,
漫长总会不满.